Writer's Block

so you know how some of my stuff looks stream of consciousness?

i dunno why im asking, im sure youve noticed

that that’s just a writing construct

this is genuine stream of consciousness

the plan is to write, fix typos only, and see what comes out

no edits, no rewrites i made one edit

also im doing other stuff part of the time and popping over

also you can hear me do voice work if you’re interested

So right now I’m playing Dota 2, and my character is dead for 38 seconds

i love the guys i play with

they’re calling me Mika now instead of Duke, and i like that

im dead again, i used my bkb too early and got blasted

43 seconds…

discord communities are communities

some of these guys grew up together and started it

and added friends over time

and i was lucky enough to play with one of them

and join the community

every time i buy noosa yogurt

i end up eating three of them the first day

mika voice —→ myles voice —→ back to mika

this will open my substack in your browser, fyi

i had another voice therapy lesson on friday

still loving it, still loving my therapist

unsurprisingly, one piece of today’s session

was testing out a base pitch i was comfortable with

hence d-d-d-d-d lol

so the interesting thing that rlly happened

is that she’s read some of this now

and she was like “this gives me so much insight into what you want and what type of presentation you’re looking for”

and i was like, no 1 thanks for reading and liking it

and no 2 thats kind of the point!!!

….

i feel like the true personal beauty of writing this stuff maybe isn’t apparent

im teaching myself to be shameless and guiltless

i own who i am and only i define who that is

no fear of social judgment

and no more destructive personal judgment

….

i know my internal ethical system

and i no longer break it

….

im also honest with people now

about anything and everything

but especially about what i want and need

and thus my needs are more fulfilled

….

also im a performative person

myles was always a performance too

work myles and relationship myles and sex myles and “with the boys” myles

were wildly different personality presentations

to the point where i got kinda pissed at my college boys

for not understanding that at work, i was a very serious person

not a total beauty/lunchbox

….

now i perform when i feel like it

no one and no situation can force me to perform

its empowering. incredibly empowering

….

i do make some allowances

i dial myself back and act more Myles around my parents

they need gradual exposure

elders, ya know?

….

and i like using these motifs

to help explore my own experiences and self-determine

its saturday morning, i didnt finish the above thought

no going back, them’s the rules

….

i have a love/hate relationship with rules

i like real rules, ones that apply universally

a big reason i fell in love with chess as a kid

once i know the ruleset, i know how to exploit it

….

so here’s my father’s favorite memory of me as a child

i was the goalie on our travel league team, i was 10 or 11

thats right, im a goalie, can you tell?

(goalies are weird)1

….

a foul is called right outside the box

as everyone lines up, i ask the ref whether its direct or indirect

he says indirect

so i wave off the wall of blockers and stand still as the ball goes in the net

my coach is going insane cuz he doesnt get it

the ref is trying to explain to everyone that it isn’t a goal

and i’m just standing and waiting to do the goal kick

LOL

goalies, amiright?

im rewatching Dollface, amazing show on hulu

a more realistic and far funnier sex & the city

i love the show

i also love Brenda Song & always have

im adding her to my voice therapy list

….

so im making a new but obvious connection between my voice idols

they’re powerful

….

so im at this scene where Jules, the main character is at a car lot for “used dudes”

(this is non-reality sequence)

the salesman is leading her around giving the model year and make (quick facts) of the dudes

and shes like “im actually looking for a ‘Jot’” (just one thing)

meaning a guy thats hot and attractive but has one thing that makes them totally unsuitable for a serious relationship

so the salesman leads her to the backlot

and Jules chooses the hot, successful (attorney?)2 who is super into legos3

this is saturday night

i was never very mechanically oriented

i did have this book

that was named something like “the wonders of planes, trains, automobiles and ships”. it was a massive hardback with full pictures, with cross sections and see-through parts, and a compendium of facts on each page

i forking loved that book

but tinker toys and constructor kits and legos

were never my jam

i just loved learning

saturday 8:20 PM

repetition —> mastery

my dad’s second favorite story about me as a kid

was that i had a favorite children’s story

and i demanded he re-read it over and over

one day i went to preschool and recited the whole thing

while appearing to read the book

and they’re were like “how can this kid read?!”

i couldn’t!!!

i had memorized the whole book and when to turn the pages

also says something about how often my dad read to me!!

sunday at 6:43 PM EST

i wanna publish at 7, so here we go!

i just drove back from Clarksville (~hour & 15 minutes)

i was a second date with a fascinating woman

she devours languages and then starts writing native poetry in them

so recently she’s been working on ionic greek

because the writings of Sapphos are in ionic greek

and she wants to read it in the original

forking insane right?

….

i gave her a compliment ive only given three four times in my life

”i think you might be smarter than me”

the other three

are a nuclear physicist (engineer?)4 

a chess teacher/studio musician5 

and an IP attorney

….

its like, how vain can Mika be?

….

anyways she's wonderful and i have tickets to John Mulaney on Thursday

im super stoked for our third date!!