The Time I Opened My Front Door and It Was the FBI

Every story has a beginning. Let’s start with the why.

Is It Really Wrong to Terrorize Evil People?

Evil people aren’t used to feeling terror. They’re far more used to imposing terror on others. When you pop the bubble and cause them to feel even a hint of the terror they’ve been imposing on others, they lose their shit.

And in October 2020, in the depths of psychosis, I set out to terrify a few evil people.

But Mika, you say, who are you to decide who is evil and deserves to be terrorized?

Let’s begin

reader’s guide

This is the narrator (me)2

these are the FBI agents (they get one presentation collectively)

lets begin begin

Intro

namei want to tell you one of my strangest storiesabout the FBI visiting me at home in November 2020Back then my name was Myles and I was a corporate bankruptcy attorney

Open the door

[begin with a knock (actually record the sound)]

*knock knock*

The FBI.

So I moved the weed to the bedroom closet and went to the door

We do not.Are you Myles MacDonald?

of course

[freeze here?]

commentary 1 — always be polite

I’m not asking how I can help, because I’m not offering to help.I’m telling them to identify the reason they’re here.

Nothing I said was actually a question. They were polite commands from an attorney to law enforcement, and both sides knew this.

Let’s get back to the action So I just asked them why they’re here, and the talkative agent goes:

some of the attorneys that work at Costco Laware concerned by posts you're making on LinkedInand believe you might be threatening them

go right ahead

OPENING AND CLOSING SOUND

Phone a Friend

The call to my dad was not super crazy

RING RING

I still presented as a cis male at that time. So I say—-

So I walk back outside and say

Sooooo subtle

hypnodancer

Have you ever listened to Hypnodancer? By LittleBig?Great music video, great band

only if we see the weed

Which I knew, which is why I already hid the weed!

The Kansas City Shuffle (I cut this for time)

Have you seen Lucky Number Slevin? OMG, fantastic movie. I think it’s the perfect noir film.

I won’t ruin much. There’s this scene, where Bruce Willis’ character starts telling a guy in the airport about this thing called a Kansas City Shuffle. The guy’s face says “why is this person annoying me” but Bruce Willis is in a wheelchair, so the guy is clearly like “might as well let him tell the story.”

Then he tells this long story, which I won’t ruin.

And then airport guy asks “so that’s a Kansas City Shuffle?”

And Bruce Willis says “no, that’s just the inciting incident”And then he says “this is Kansas City Shuffle and points past the guy”

The guy turns right, sees nothing, and turns back to look at Bruce Willis. But the chair is empty!

And you hear Bruce Willis go “they look right”, and the camera pans back to Bruce Willis standing behind airport guy. Bruce Willis then snaps his neck, and says “you go left”.

Anyways I posted that a dozen times on LinkedIn, along with some other spooky and/or vague threatening stuff. I was posting to LinkedIn hundreds of times per day. And my Substack. And texting groups of people.

Did I mention I was in a manic episode with psychosis?

Stop

Anyways… the FBI specifically asked me to stop posting that video.

The early conversation was pretty simple

And I was like “I have zero intent to cause physical harm to any of these people.”

so the FBI was like

and I was like “to creep those attorneys out enough for them to do something stupid, like using their political connections to escalate this to the FBI”

and the FBI was like

And I was like, can I tell you a story?

About law firm economics and criminal conspiracies.

It’s a story some of your colleagues would want to hear.

And the FBI was like

The Economics of Legal Practice

obviously I can’t tell you what I talked about with the FBIthat would get me suedwhat I can do is give you a totally theoretical lectureon why law firms might not be incentivized to report the criminal activity they discover…so there’s a big bankruptcy caselet’s say it’s a company in the energy production fieldlet’s call it Dark Tesla, DT for short..let’s say DT made lots of aggressive expansionsand was not so good at book-keepingand one day it just sort of runs out of cash and is forced to file bankruptcyand eventually the court determines that DTis worth $6 billion less than it claimed just imagine that for a second, mkay?…so imagine Dark Tesla has been in bankruptcy for two or so yearsits sold off most of its businessesand it’s now ready to confirm a “plan of reorganization”…so big companies sue and get sued all the timeand most debtors have a lot of lawsuits they’ve never investigated or broughtthe claims the debtor has against other companies are valuable!and sometimes the debtor has what we fraudulent transfer claims…imagine the plan of reorganization splits off the debtor’s claimsand puts them in a trust for the benefit of creditors…a trustee is nominated for this trust, and approved in the planimagine the trustee gets paid by a % of recoverieslet’s say it’s 3% on any recoveries over $1 millionso if the trust recovers $100 million, the trustee gets $3 million…now imagine the Trustee hires four law firmsand assigns the most speculative/lowest value stuff to my firmimagine that the firm is working on contingencyso, like the Trustee, they get a % of recoveriesimagine it’s 20%…now imagine an associate uncovers a scheme by the debtorto defraud a Chinese bank to the tune of $100 millionand use those funds to pay funds owed to important creditors in the US…imagine the associate finds evidence of direct intentemails where the debtor’s senior management and the creditors being paidopenly discuss their intent to defraud the Chinese bankimagine that this is blatantly criminal conduct by the Debtors’ managementand by those creditors..attorneys think a lot about leverageso we’ve got all these creditors who received intentionally fraudulent transferssome/most of whom could potentially face criminal liability…now, Costco law could tell the Court about this criminal conduct(that’s actually legally required/part of our ethical rules)and it would get referred over to the FBI…on the other handpeople are willing to pay more to settle a claimwhen part of the settlement agreements binds everyone involvedto keep the entire thing absolutely secret, including from the Court and LEOs…now imagine the associate digs even deeper on one particular creditor, Montgomery Co. (let’s call it Monty)imagine Monty, which provides certain professional services to struggling companies, has been accused of shady dealings with a number of corporate debtorsimagine DT and this creditor didn’t just defraud a Chinese bankimagined they defrauded a few American banks toomaybe a few business partners of the debtors…imagine the associate drafts a complaint against Monty Co.imagine Monty Co. is so worried about it’s contentsthat they don’t want it in their email or electronic systemin case it is discovered by someone else litigating against themimagine they send attorneys over to Costco Law’s offices to read hard copiesImagine they settle the claims for ~$17 millionimagine no one asks the associate who investigated and wrote the complaintto sign the non-disclosure agreement…

So yeah, I told the FBI a story kind of like that one.

After the story was over, I answered questions and then they left

And then they came back

So they come back and ask—

why would you post that video again?

And I said

And he said

this is a waste of FBI timeus being here is a waste of timeus having to come back is a waste of time

So I said

And he said

I’m asking you to stopso that I can get back to meaningful work

And I said

And then they left. And I did stop posting that video.

[END]

d: moral of the story (watsky)

Is It Really Wrong to Terrorize Evil People?

Evil people aren’t used to feeling terror. They’re far more used to imposing terror on others. When you pop the bubble and cause them to feel even a hint of the terror they’ve been imposing on others, they lose their shit.

And in October 2020, in the depths of psychosis, I set out to terrify a few evil people.

But Mika, you say, who are you to decide who is evil and deserves to be terrorized?

Isn’t it fun to give commands to LEOs?

Wait, did you think I was asking questions? That was out of politeness, and they all know it.

Now I’m softening to questions. I’ve already demonstrated I know what I’m doing here, and there’s no reason to continue giving them orders (which might piss them off, despite the politeness). They already know they have to say yes, I know they have to say yes, why not being nice now?

I want to get them to leave. But I also want them to never come back. Being calm and friendly makes them like me more (especially in comparison to the people that sicc’ed the FBI on me)

Also! You have the absolute right to bring another person in as a witness. Even if they aren’t a lawyer. The FBI cannot isolate you unless they actually have an arrest warrant (and then you shut up and call your lawyer).

[this is the only way I will talk; with my father present]

[i wish i had recorded them]

core facts

• In early November 2020, the FBI came to my apartment

• There were two agents, with a local police detective as escort

• They knocked on the door

• I opened it

• I politely commanded them to show me their badges and IDs

  • “Please show me your badges and IDs”

    • emphasis on polite command

      • expand this discussion in story

      • i know my rights, substantive and process. they MUST show me their IDs. no wiggle room

      • I made it clear it was a command; I made it clear to them that I was going to be polite and play hardball, like any good lawyer does when dealing with the police

• “Do you have a warrant to search my apartment?”

  • “No”

    • Open door, step outside of apartment completely, close door behind me.

    • “Please explain how I can help the FBI today.”

      • Again, totally polite but absolutely aggressive!!!

      • All commands. I’m making it clear that I’m in charge of this.

      • Because I am. They can’t force me to speak to them at all.

• [INTERLUDE, Explain why they were there!]

• So the lead agent says to me, [how to paraphrase? CS reported me, pointed to specific videos as being threatened, and claimed attorneys had fear for their physical safety]

  • and I say, “do you mind if I call my father and have him join during this this voluntary interview?”

    • again, polite but definite. There is no “No”. If they say no, I say leave.

I. BONFIRE

I had a mission. And the first question was “what will I have to sacrifice to pull this off”?

You can’t start a bonfire without fuel.

I had just been fired from my second firm in two years for unreliability and poor performance due to my heavy manic and depression cycles. So I said fuck it, let’s burn this career to the ground.

The second question was where, and the answer was obvious: LinkedIn. LinkedIn is the social hub for the elite attorneys of the United States.

It’s where they share articles about all the amazing shit they’ve done, and 80 other attorneys upvote it and post the exact same shit for themselves and get 80 upvotes.3 SUCH an important online venue for them.

Regardless, they check it constantly and I had about 600 contacts. Oodles of people from ex-firms, law school classmates, etc.

I decided that wasn’t enough, and started adding hundreds. Something like 75% got accepted instantly. That’s LinkedIn. And it meant that it was easy for me to build visibility. I got up to ~1150 before LinkedIn’s code auto-locked me from sending more connection requests.

Intermezzo:

If this story seems unbelievable, well… you should believe. I downloaded my entire LinkedIn data before I got the banhammer in December 2020. And my father was present for the FBI interviewing me and can corroborate everything. And, given the fact I was sued and my LinkedIn posts were constantly brought up, I’m pretty certain all of my old posts are in a litigation server somewhere.

PART II: GENERATING THE LIST

People evaluate each other constantly to determine “how much do I want to invest in a relationship with this person?” Some people focus very heavily on professional gain. That’s not my generation. We evaluate how people in positions of power treat those subordinate to them. There’s no easier test of character.

Have you ever met someone who treats waiters like shit and volunteers during the weekend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.4 

Part III: #KANSASCITYSHUFFLE

What’s a Kansas City Shuffle? You tell me (30 seconds):

The FBI specifically asked me to stop posting this video.

Regardless, the underlying concept is the same. To insulate yourself from legal liability, you create movement, deception, intermediaries, etc. Trumpism, basically.

defeating the FBI in [fill in when finished] simple steps

Step 1: I walked outside into the hallway and closed the door shut behind me.

Step 2: I asked for identification from the two FBI agents and the local policeman accompanying them.

Step 3: I asked whether they had a warrant to arrest me5 or search my apartment. They did not.

Step 4: I asked them to wait outside while I called my father and waited for him to arrive. He’s worked with the FBI enough6 that they wouldn’t try any bullshit while he’s around.

Step 5: Once my dad arrived, I allowed the agents into my apartment.7

Step 6: