The Time I Flashed Twenty People Without Repercussions

Brohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I was five. #headfake

This is one of my mother's favorite childhood stories about me. She said "it showed I was a leader from a young age".

So here's the story: I was in kindergarten at Glendale, a schoo near my home in Nashville, TN. Like kindergartens do, we had recess. And during recess, no one was allowed back inside the building.

As an adult, that rule makes total sense to me: a single teacher can't simultaneously watch the children outside, while escorting a child inside the building. Simple reality.

But as a five year old, I found this rule very offensive—especially when I needed to PEE.

And one day in spring, I really needed to pee. And as a good five year old, I went to my teacher to ask to go back inside to pee.

She said no, you have to stay here. I can't go inside with you.

I asked to go in alone and promised to come right back.

She said no, an adult has to escort you.

I asked to pee in the bushes.

She said no, just wait for recess to end.

.

.

.

I didn't wait for recess to end.

Instead, I gathered two other boys together and convinced them to walk over into the big grassy stretch between the blacktop and the edge of trees. And pull their pants down with me. And start peeing right in front of the teacher and the whole class.

Not a crazy story, admittedly. Cute, but nothing crazy.

What my mom really loved about this story, I think, was the teacher's reaction:

• She called my parents in for a conference.

• She said I was behaving like a delinquent and a pervert1 and a bad example for the other kids.

• She said I was defiant and laughed it off as a joke.

• And she implied they were bad parents because I did this.

According to my mom, she and my Dad acted as serious and apologetic as possible until the teacher calmed down.

And the moment they walked out of the school, they burst into laughter.

So I guess that tells you something about me, my parents, and our values. Comedy gold is comedy gold, no matter which way you cut it.