Pain for the Fjords (ef2)

if you’d rather hear me tell it

have tissues, i will make you cry

do you feel dead?

“siren’s song” is a cool term, very cool, very classic, very classy

..

i have an innate desire for self-destruction

and i think you do too

….

masochism is an impulse we all feel to some degree

some people adopt masochism as a kink

some people adopt it as a religious practice1

and some people adopt it as a coping mechanism

..

i have no pain tolerance

cutting, biting, etc. never appealed to me

..

you know what leads you down the road to self-masochism?

powerlessness

hurting yourself is entirely within your power

making yourself bleed proves your actions still matter

feeling pain proves you can still feel something

..

and killing yourself is empowering

2

i know where i was headed before i started transitioning

i’ve checked myself into the acute care ward once already

..

something was broken about my life, about me

my manic periods were days or weeks long

my depressive periods were months long

every cycle, the imbalance grew

….

the worst part was being aware my mental health was degrading

and being totally unable to stop it from happening

trying for years, in vain, to climb back up the slide

to take better care of myself

to go outside, to break my waxing agoraphobia

to overcome social anxiety and accept invitations

to pick up my phone and respond to friends

to go on dating apps

..

therapy, self-help books, more therapy, Pomodoro, habit-builder apps, sleep apps, productivity apps, new gym routines, etc, etc, etc, etc

..

when i moved into my first apartment, i cooked dinner 5-6 times a week

by age 30, i would go months without cooking for myself

because i didnt care about how i treated myself or my life

..

it was terrifying

and at a certain point, i just kind of gave up and smoked copious weed

might as well smile while i fall, right?

laughter was my salve

i surrounded myself with comedy and absurdity

..

you know what comedy does?

it teaches you to accept, and laugh at, your own weakness and powerlessness

and to find happiness and joy in your own suffering

”Why Do We Laugh”?

its obvious, right?

..

you know why i haven’t seen Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul or Game of Thrones?

they’re tragedies

the only exceptions were like, sci-fi

..

have you ever read the The Dark Forest?

i’m about to ruin part of it for you

The Dark Forest posits that space is silent

because of the sharks you can’t see

and that the #1 priority of any space-faring species

is to hide their home world

..

it’s not even an emotional thing for anyone involved, you understand?

its game theory, for the survival of your entire species

the logic is sound

growth is exponential and resources are finite

every species has an incentive to immediately eliminate other species they encounter

and because every species has that incentive

every species has a first contact first strike incentive

..

suicide isn’t emotional, you see?

it’s logic

you have to kill depressed you before they kill you

not really tho

363 sale

thx

thx moar

i think that header makes sense but if someone can XKCD-Explained that one, i would appreciate the help

….

anyways

yesterday K & I walked to the deli for breakfast 🥪

went to a big block party in the Nations in the afternoon3 

then went star-gazing in Edgar Evins park that evening 🌃

and im the one planning these things!

..

9 months ago i was 30 lbs heavier and had persistent knee pain

i do floorwork easily now

i eat healthier, walk a lot, etc.

my self-care routine borders on indulgent

..

legit have made maybe4 5 friends in the past 8 months

as a 33 y/o 🤯

and my social anxiety is much improved5

..

when i transitioned, it wasn’t just gender

it was identity

I am different than he was

and that was by design6