Group Therapy Part One

“sometimes it feels like my mood cycles uncontrollably every few weeks”

”sometimes it feels like i have no control over my mood”

”some weeks I feel like i can take on the world, some weeks i curl into a ball”

no

this was and is my decision

i made it through self-discovery and experimentation

and by exploring my past with open eyes

…

they hurt me through incompetence before

why would it be different now?

i put a lot of thought into this, bro

so weird right?

what sort of person thinks deeply about the consequences of altering their body chemistry and presentation, and thereby becoming the target of fundamentalist psychos?

…

also, i can find people to ask me demeaning and invalidating questions for free

why pay someone $100+/hour to ask the exact same questions?

wasteful

…

i don’t want their validation, either

..

my parents were like “you should go see a gender therapist before transitioning”

because they wanted a delay

because they were scared

because they wanted a “professional” to sign off on my decision

so i said i would think about it

..

my psychiatric nurse also suggested i see a gender therapist

so i said:

“i’ve spent the last five months experimenting and gradually changing myself”

”i know who i was, am and want to be”

”i don’t need or want anyone’s validation”

”because this is my decision alone”

”and that’s how it must be”

..

and she was like “i understand and won’t bring it up again. if you ever want to talk to one, here is the therapist i recommend”

she’s pretty awesome, yeah?

hmu if you’re in Nashville and need a prescriber that listens and thinks

were you ever in a behavioral intervention program at school?

or have a child that’s in one?

…

i don’t know what those programs are like today

lemme tell you what i remember from my childhood

…

every day/week, each of my teachers filled out a multi-page form about me

so i was always being watched by adults

and i was always being graded on my behavior

mainly by how “normal” it was in comparison to “normal children”

..

the lesson was “act like them”

and “don’t trust your own decision-making”

and “ignore your internal emotional states whenever they could lead to abnormal behavior”

and “since you can’t communicate them to me, your internal emotional states are not valid”

and ”the larger kid that bullied you until you punched him can explain why he is crying, so clearly you’re at fault”

and “you’re the abnormal kid, obviously it’s your fault, why would i investigate at all?”

i am fairly certain this is not how schools treat us now

well… in certain states, im sure nothing has changed

but in many states, this sort of program has been flushed like a turd

because it is a turd

its primary effect was teaching atypical children to be ashamed of themselves

to suppress, conceal and deny their own emotional states

i made this decision

me

i’m Mika