Have You Ever Wondered What Mania and Psychosis Are Like?

In September 2020, I began a manic cycle that would last three months. Two of those months I was in acute manic episodes. And in October 2020, I developed psychosis and ultimately received a visit from the FBI. Along the way, I destroyed my legal career and was sued by a former firm. In December 2020, I was finally diagnosed as bipolar and immediately put on Lithium and Latuda.

This is my account of the experience of mania and psychosis.

Part I: I Saw All of the Lights

Mania is beautiful and disorienting and terrifying and invigorating. It was simultaneously the greatest and worst experience of my life. You can’t grok it until you experience it. Everything in the world was glowing and everyday I walked outside and stared.

I saw all of the lights.

This is the only way I know how to explain it to you.

Part II: Beautiful, Addictive Free Solo Climbing

It felt like I was a child again: the world was fresh and new, and I was captivated by everything going on around me.

Long lost hobbies and interests suddenly become captivating again. I starting reading and writing constantly. On Substack and on LinkedIn.2 I wrote Awakening From Dreamworld, which I still consider to be my masterpiece and still leads my reader count. I started creating “emotion-assisted essays”.3 Honestly, I think I was trying to self-treat using art therapy.

Ok, back to mania. 

Emotions and physical sensation increase in intensity as you become more manic. I can’t even describe how sex feels.

But you start taking risks. You feel invincible and unstoppable. 

I came out as bisexual4 during my manic episode. During a manic episode, you start doing things you would never do… for instance, I had never downloaded Grindr before my manic episode.

Mania makes you feel ALIVE and it makes you WANT TO DO EVERYTHING (and everyone).

Now think about how addictive mania felt after a decade defined by long, near-crippling depressive cycles.

Mania is addictive. I knew within the first two weeks that something was wrong with my mental faculties, but I kept stoking the fire (by smoking marijuana continuously) because I was hooked on the mania.

this is a super interesting memoir, right!?

Part III: The Inevitable Swan Dive

The mania to post-mania process feels a lot like this (30 seconds):

I’m not trying to make that funny by using a Rick and Morty clip; it pretty accurately summarizes the up and the down.5 Reality is pain and it feels like all of the light in the world has been snuffed out.

First three months afterwards, I lived with my parents and was in a partial hospitalization program. In late January 2021, I checked myself into a psych ward for six days for suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t until September 2021 that I reached ~80% functionality.

So basically I traded a 3 month trip for nine months of crippling depression. It was a bad trade.6

Part IV: Every Prophet in History was Manic with Psychosis

I know because for about two weeks, I thought I was one.

Psychosis was a whole different beast. The primary feature of my psychosis was my brain seeking “hidden meanings” in everything. Everything someone said to me, everything I read, everything I watched suddenly had this hidden subtext that only I could hear.

And unsurprisingly, at some point I starting thinking I was hearing the voice of God.

I’ve never spoken aloud about my psychosis in real life. It’s easier for me to blast this to thousands of people than it is to talk about it with a therapist. F-ed, right?

Here’s a List of Things I Believed at Some Point during Psychosis:

• That I was a prophet.7 And I wrote my testament.

• That a sentient AI was speaking to me using a fake LinkedIn profile called “Alicia”.8

• That my spookiest friend was actually the devil (think Trickster, not Satan)9 and/or in the CIA and/or the leader of a secret society.

• That two of my Eastern European friends were funneling me inside information about Russia.10

Part V: Crazy Like a Fox

I knew I was crazy, and I was crazy like a fox.11 I hid it. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening inside my head. How do you think I talked the FBI into walking back out my door?

My actions did get crazier and crazier. But anytime someone tried to intervene, I put on a sane face, said I knew what I was doing and that it was my life, and pushed them away. And I can be extremely convincing.

My parents tried over and over again. Highschool friends called, and ones I hadn’t spoken to in years started reaching out on Discord and Facebook. My college friends starting calling me and setting up zooms. And when I lost my shit at one of them, they rallied harder and reached out to my parents, who finally gave me the ultimatum to get treated, or it would be involuntary.

The second I went on anti-psychotics, the psychosis abated.

Denouement: A Decimated Social Network

Only 4 people in the legal community made any attempt to contact me during and after my episode.

Occam’s Razor: They didn’t want to be associated with me anymore because I would be a professional liability (also one of them said it directly to me).12 Tells you a lot about the dark mirror world that is big law.

This nearly hit as hard as the post-manic collapse. I spent 3 years in law school, 1 year clerking and 5.5 years working. I’m 32. That’s 29.6% of my life spent in the legal world. Most of the people I had any form of social relationship with disappeared.

But over time I found friends here and around the world through shared interests. We actually have something fun in common. It feels good. For instance, you can usually find me playing DOTA 2 on Mr.JesterII’s Twitch on Saturday afternoons.13 

So this was my experience of mania and psychosis.