A Conversation about Lost Faith

LLP Act I

It’ll feel better to talk about it.

Order. Fate. Karma. I was never religious, although I’ve always been fascinated by religion. But I had faith in the world.

It’s so hard to explain.

I had faith the world worked. That our individual efforts, like ants in a colony, were building towards something bigger and better.

I had faith that I was on a path to success. That this path could make me happy. That this path would fulfill me.

I had faith that good and kind people would be ok. I never expected the world for being kind.1 But I never thought that the world would break me either.

Yeah.

The world doesn’t work. Our institutions and systems don’t work, especially here in the United States. Its obvious.

I remember falls when I was a kid. I feel bad for Zoomers because they’ll never know what fall used to be like.

It was this three-month beautiful season, amazing weather to amazing jacket weather, and all of those colors for so long! We would go outside and catch fireflies.

It just isn’t the same anymore (and I’ve lived in TN, CA, IL, DE and NY).

Are you being ethereal, Mika?

Sorry. Do tell, Mika.

True. Almost everyone reading this lives in what was forest.

So this is a hopeful message?

Nothing insightful?

:) Trickster.2 Thanks.

Interlude 1

Mika, do you have faith?

nothing else?

You have faith in that?

Ok, but is there anything else you have faith in?

I guess that’s all we’re getting folks.

Act 2

Yeah. I don’t know how to discuss this one without being an ass, but here goes.

I am remarkably intelligent. Not trying to minimize everything else that matters in life.

But my special quality, the thing I was proudest of and cared the most about, was my intelligence. It was what defined my identity until two years ago.

And “with great power comes great responsibility”. But genuinely, I felt like I had a gift and I had to use it to achieve. Especially to build my family legacy.

Incredibly. It’s a terrible approach to life. Instead of looking for paths that would lead me to happiness, I looked for paths that would utilize my intelligence to have more wealth/prestige than my parents.3 

And I’m way better at writing than math, so a PHD in Economics (my plan at the beginning of college) was out. I knew I didn’t want to do consulting, i-banking or anything that felt “all about the money”.

So I fell into the lawyer trap. I was smart and I love reading, writing and oral advocacy. Don’t get me wrong, the study of law, judicial work, and some areas of law are wonderful.

But any and all corporate law is just “smarter”4 i-bankers. It’s about the money, period.

I still love the education and parts of my career. But my choice was driven by a misguided need to prove my worth, not by my expected happiness.

Yeah, but you don’t care about being a vain prick.

If we keep doing shit like that, we’ll have no readers.

Interlude 2

Stop it with this “narrowing to dedicated readers” nonsense, ok? We’re variety writers. The point is to appeal to diverse audiences.

Look, when we finish those stories, people will like them. We’re fleshing out the “No God” novella. Stop being impatient.

No excuses this time. Relax and be patient.

It’s fine! I understand the impatience, but we have to control it.

Act 3

Yeah. This one is even harder to explain. I was an Einsteinian living in a Bohr-ian world.

Fine, I’m showing off my breadth of knowledge because I’m self-conscious now.

The world is chaos. The order I believed in, a just world, a good world, karmic retribution were all false.

As your self-esteem falls, so does your perceived ability to handle chaos. Creating order makes you feel safer. Staying in is safer. Being routine is safer.

I had my games, my discord communities and friends around the world. And reddit. It wasn’t so bad. And I have great IRL friends that pull me out of my shell.

It’s a shit ton better now, though. Going thrifting by ourself was exhilarating.

I thought I should be like my parents. Married young, got advanced degrees, had kids, dogs, nice house, etc. I love them and I wanted to be like them.

But I’m not like them and I don’t want their life. I never did.

A boy who hears the voice of his father as a young child will inevitably worship him.

An adolescent who worships his father unconditionally will inevitably fail to surpass him.

A man who recognizes his father is flawed, and different from him, will inevitably come to surpass him (as all good fathers want for their sons).

He and I had this conversation a couple months ago when I told him what my plans were. He thought I was taking unacceptable risks.

I told him that was his preferences. That I had spent my whole life taking the low risk options. And that it had brought me nothing but depression and unhappiness.

And that I saw an opportunity to carve my own path; something uniquely mine, something uniquely me. And that I had faith in myself, my plans and my abilities.

He understood. When I explained it, he understood.

Interlude 3

Sure, why not. It’s going to be hard to find a jean jacket that awesome, though.

Yeah, maybe 20 pounds from now.

Act 4

I do think there is order hidden it, but my opinion is controversial.

Physics tells you how the universe works. Not how the world works.

I used to think economics, psychology, sociology etc. explained the world.

It’s a big step in the right direction. People are innately irrational. But it mainly just isolates and identifies specific irrationalities and stops short of the broader “why”.

Stop using your flirty voice.

Stories are the why.

Humans think narratively. One of the hardest things scientists have to do is to train themselves to not think narratively, to measure cause and effect, not intuit it.

We can’t help it. It’s how are brains are built.

Stories control the world. Stories about civil disobedience and protest. Stories about defenseless cops. Stories about racism and abuse of undocumented immigrants. Stories about falling wages and the shrinking blue-collar workforce.

Every narrative has a counter-narrative. And (broadly speaking, lets put aside the electoral college) the story that convinces the most people wins.

Yeah, that’s pretty obvious right? We’re blatantly stating the act and interlude structure in the titles, and your first sentence is the implied title. Plus the rule of three.

Yeah, but I worry that abusing the meta makes us seem less real.

Also, I feel like plenty of readers are starting to wonder whether you’re the real us now, and I’m the ghost of who we were.

It’s a good question. Do we know?

Yeah.

We literally share the same fundamental narratives. See The Seven Basic Plots.

Good guys and bad guys. The hero’s tale. Sissyphus’ boulder. Pyhrric victories. Othello and Hamlet. Star Wars and Game of Thrones. Redwall and Watership Down. Good Omens and American Gods.

These narratives are part of being human. They exist because we live them.

That’s why I keep saying write your own story. It’s literal. You have stories inside you, about who you are, where you’re going and what matters to you.

You write them, and you can change them.

That’s it.

Denouement

that was a good one myles

conversations are different. people feel pain and emotion more

cuz thats you. organically you

did you ever get tested for autism?

would you get tested now?

dont you want to know?

ending on this?