7 Months a Woman

When I was five years old, I broke my friend’s nose. I was line leader that day, a prestigious position! So when he stepped in front of me, I became enraged and then I broke his nose.

He was the door opener that day (a slightly less prestigious position).

Rage is an unhealthy trait.

How Is It Different?

I’m comfortable. The ripples from that alone has completely changed how I interact with the world. Everything is less frustrating. And therefore less scary. And more enjoyable. My average depth of interaction has grown so much.

It’s an overlooked thing. Comfort. I felt uncomfortable my whole life. And that made me stressed. And that made me reactive.

And now I feel calm. It’s glorious.

Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Have you heard of gender euphoria? The antonym to gender dysphoria?

That’s apt. Bliss and comfort.

After I do my hair and put on my makeup, I sit in front of my mirror for 30 seconds. Feeling bliss. Feeling right with myself. Feeling like the person in the mirror is finally me.

Euphoria!

A Very Mika Interlude

I write my own dialogue.

Does too.Did you say you absorbed me earlier? I feel like it was the opposite.

[imagine I had a better bridge for this]

You used to be spooky.

So you created a third character to be spooky?

Yeah it’s not spooky unless its rooted in normalcy. Like a lone hiker late at night feeling the presence of Slenderman behind them. Out of the corner of your eye, a lighter bark tree, devoid of leaves, stands out in your peripheral, looking like an impossibly tall human. As you walk, this experience repeats itself: it’s a forest, after all, and these light bark trees (though not numerous) are spread everywhere.

You start to feel like this figure is following you. As your paranoia grows, so does the sharpness of your eyes in spotting the figure. But your ability to see it for what it is decreases. There’s already a narrative in your head, and you’re interpreting your senses to conform to that narrative.

But it has to start somewhere real. A seed that sprouts a narrative.

That’s not what that means.

You’re annoying.

… Yeah it is. Because it’s what I thought was cute and how I wanted to be.

We’re a pokemon?

You look like an older sister. It’s weird how feminizing parting from the left is.

We both look younger than we are.It’s weird how feminizing parting from the left is, right?

Vain.

People always thought I was arrogant, but that’s because vanity and arrogance are gender stereotyped. I was never arrogant. I was vain and praise-seeking.

Needing validation from other people shouldn’t be condemned in men. We’re inherently social creatures that live in a complex society. Being told we’re doing well, even in a miniscule portion of our lives, is so important to healthy social functioning. And being more desirous of praise than others shouldn’t be condemned. We all need different types and amounts of validation.

Are you willing to give more descriptive answers?

Even I let myself be silly sometimes.

I mean, when you showed up you talked about eating names and opening a gate to let friends in. That was kind of spooky.

That’s such a great expression.

Did you know it originally meant neck hair and not pubic hair?

True story. But now everyone uses it the other way.

Do most people have curly pubic hair?

Kinsey didn’t measure it?

Ya Wifey, do you have curly pubic hair?

Seriously.

Seems likely. The idea that someone genial and reliable might turn unpredictable and dangerous. Very fey.

How Does Your Body [VERB]?

Weird thing! My doctor called me recently with my 6 month hormone checks. My estrogen is already where they want it to be (which is fast). But my testosterone is still too high. Myles is holding on for dear life? So we’re upping the Spironolactone to 300 milligrams per day (it inhibits testosterone production).

That said, I’m very happy! My breasts are growing well and looking shapely. My butt has grown dramatically! I think my hips widened slightly and my pelvic tilt did shift slightly (this makes my standing posture more girly).

My doctor just started me on Progesterone, which promotes breast growth, shapely growth and has some other positive hormonal effects.

My genitalia have not shrunk much. This is disappointing. Tucking is still very difficult without tape or double panties.

You know what’s a crazy but utterly underrated one? Lips. My lips have doubled in size. After my hair, it’s the second biggest factor in the feminization of my face. It’s a nice cupid’s bow! It’s inherently a little pouty now, and I pout a little when I smile; that makes my face a lot more feminine when I’m smiling (because smiling is also feminizing). See how it accumulates!

My cheek fat has redistributed a bit (also an underrated feminizer).

Did I mention how little men smile? Smiling pleasantly during conversation is extremely femme.

smile and be happy

I am happy. On a routine, sustained and profound basis. Maybe smiling so much more has made me happy.

I think I was never actually introverted. I just felt fearful interacting with people. Maybe because I was scared they would see I was a person slowly breaking apart. Maybe my childhood. Maybe a lot of things.

But I have a voluminous social life now and I love it. So like a week ago, I did dance class on Wednesday night, an art event with Kim on Thursday night, Lipstick Lounge with Kim and friends on Friday, a game night on Saturday and a hike with a friend on Sunday. This is what fulfills me.

I kept chasing achievement and money, but that life was killing me. Those things weren’t really my drives. I’m just not someone who wants those things enough to make the tradeoffs involved.

Also!! I’m more relaxed and comfortable socializing with women than I ever, ever was with men. The gentleness, validation and sharing-circle nature of these interactions is how I want to interact with people. It’s what fits me… I feel at home in these communities in a way I never have before.

Let’s really wax poetic! What even is happiness right?

I am so happy with how the last six months have gone. Everything I want to create is slowly coming together.

a cool metaphor

Here’s what life is like:

You create and maintain clockwork doodads and widgets.

Your career, your friendships, your family, your church community, everything. It’s a widget you built. And you’re constantly building them! And altering them! A career shift, a divorce, a new hobby. New decorations, replacing parts, etc.

And then you decide which ones to maintain. And the ones that aren’t maintained wind-down.

And that’s life. Creating, maintaining and entropy.